In the months that followed, I attempted several times to wean myself off of Zoloft. I adore my Zoloft, but let’s be honest, who has a Zoloft deficiency? Well about a week or so ago I managed to cut my dose in half and keep it that way with success. What’s even more awesome is I started my period this evening and I never tried to murder anyone the past few days. Success indeed! TMI? Perhaps, but unless you’re completely new to my blog, you should know to expect these sorts of things. If you ARE new… my apologies.

At the start of my hormonal rampage, I lost my way in the diet area. There was a brief period before discovering PTLS that we suspected my low carb diet might be to blame for the “issues” I was experiencing. So, to test the theory, I ate more carbs. Obviously that wasn’t the case but being as addicting as they are, I spent the rest of the year in a love hate relationship with them… and managed to gain back ALL BUT THREE POUNDS that I had lost. Yep, at my lowest weight, I had lost 25 pounds. There was a week when I had the stomach flu and managed to lose another 10 pounds but it quickly came back and I didn’t think it was fair to count that.

Almost every week was “I’ll start over on Monday”. Then I’d screw up and figure, fuck it, Big Mac’s for everyone! Every week this went on but I’d never touch two things: Chips Ahoy and loaves of Italian bread. If I started eating those, I’d never make it. Then I got the harebrained idea to start over the week before Christmas. Uh.. yeah. Several dozen cookies later, it was clear that was a bad idea. So, December 26th was it. And I did it. I had gained back 22 pounds and knew I had no choice. In four days I’ve lost six pounds. That’s great for keeping the momentum going.

The best part is, I know my diet works, I know it’s good for me, and I know I need it. I just wish I hadn’t wasted a year.

My latest new “thing” is tinnitus. Now, I’ve had pulsitile tinnitus in my left ear since October of 1999. That IS a long time. I’ve grown so completely used to it I barely notice it now. However, apparently it was lonely because a few days before Thanksgiving, a new, ringing tinnitus popped up. It’s awesome. The ENT has given me instructions to get an MRI. That’s just wonderful except I’m claustrophobic. Like “sedate me please” claustrophobic.

I attempted to get a regular MRI once. I layed on the tube business and they gave me earplugs and proceeded to start strapping my head in. Within 2 minutes I went from mildly anxious to about to have a heart attack from panic. They had to undo everything and I went on my merry way. Sorry ladies but it’s either that or I’d beat myself to death trying to get out of it. I did manage to endure an open MRI, unfortunately for this, the ENT wants a regular MRI and not an open MRI. Boo.

So we shall see. I still have some leftover xanax.

So basically my symptoms are under control. Thanks in part to the zoloft and muscle relaxers, but also simply knowing what’s wrong and that we’re going to get it fixed. Well that dream of fixing it is right there. In two weeks I’ll be put back together. My surgery is Monday, May 2nd. On Sunday we’ll drive down to North Carolina to the hotel. Hopefully the drive will be a pleasant mosey.

On Monday, I have a surgical consult at 7am. Man is overjoyed at the early hour. I don’t know when surgery is, I’m assuming shortly after the consult. We’ll be free to head home on Tuesday after I’m checked by the nurse. Who, by the way, will come to the hotel specifically to check me! How nice is that.

So many things have gone wrong with me over the past two months. I’ve had anxiety attacks, tingly legs and arms, extreme neck tension that makes it hard to turn my head or look up. I’m losing my hair. I’m growing hair in places it doesn’t belong. I’m incredibly tired all the time, regardless of how much sleep I get. I’m in a constant state of horrible PMS. I have little to no patience for anything including my family.

This morning I woke up around 5am to use go powder my nose. I was incredibly sleepy and not very alert. I think I may have even dozed a second or two. All of a sudden I realized I was still releasing fluid from the fluid release orifice and thought that five minutes had passed. I then started to panic, literally, that something was wrong because of how long I was taking to pee. Once I started to wake up a bit more I calmed down but …seriously… a freak out over peeing. Yes really.

Hopefully in two weeks these posts will have more to do with fun stuff and less to do with my bodily functions. Unless I have another fun bodily function story… remember the convenience store tale….

Another great resource

We did happen to do E-file and boy am I happy we did. She did our taxes on Monday night, and today our state refund was credited to our account. Hopefully by the end of next week we’ll have the federal and Man will get the bonus money he’s expecting and I’ll be able to schedule my surgery. Then I get to agonize on just how far out they’ll have an opening.

I spent the better part of my day trying not to climb out of my own skin. A lot of the increased anxiety I can blame on worrying about our tax refund appointment which was tonight. I really was confident that we’d get more than enough to fund the surgery. Unfortunately it’s not enough. We’re about twelve hundred short. I’m not a happy camper. I wanted to cry but I was on the phone with Man and I could tell he was worried about how I was handling the news so I kept my chin up for him.

On the bright side (shockingly there is one this time), he should get enough in bonuses this month to cover the difference. I just have to continue waiting. Waiting isn’t my favorite pastime lately. Not when waiting now goes hand in hand with brain rattling anxiety.

Coincidence? I think not.

My period means I get a week or two of relative calm and quiet. In the meantime, I get to panic, and wonder what’s causing the electrical current that’s running through my legs and head. The feeling that I can’t catch my breath when I’m really breathing fine. Indigestion, which I haven’t felt since I was pregnant, has also started to join in the party. Fortunately Tums seem to work pretty well and I have Zantac on hand for when it doesn’t.

Even though right now I could very easily slip into a full blown panic attack, I am doing a commendable job of keeping it under wraps. I know death is not minutes away, even though my mind is trying to run with that theory. Even just typing it makes me a little nervous as I now fear I’m tempting fate. The tingling in my arms and head reminds me this is probably going to be a long night. Every twinge anywhere near my heart makes my head start conjuring images of me being wheeled out of my house on a stretcher and my children standing by bawling their eyes out as Mommy dies of a heart attack. Fortunately I’ve had enough blood work and chest xrays and EKG’s to know my heart is just fine. Why this happens is beyond me.

Just before this started, my daughter had her tonsils out. Her surgery was on a Friday. That Monday Man took me to the ER for my beloved panic attack. I felt horrible not being there for my daughter. The following two weeks I was basically housebound unless someone was with me. I haven’t been back to the chiropractor since the Wednesday before my daughters tonsillectomy. They called and left a message yesterday inquiring about when I was coming back. I have a few sessions left in my current adjustment plan. I honestly don’t know when I’ll go back. Probably not until I get my period. My period.

My quality of life now rests solely on when I get my period.